Monday, January 12, 2015

Out of Control

Dear Lord help me get through this winter.

We have a one handed glove thief that sneaks into our house every night and takes one glove or mitten from a matching set.  I have a sneaking suspicion he has one footed partner too, who steals socks.  Even with the best intentions,  I lay out the boys snow gear every night but without fail somebody is missing something.  Within a month of looking everywhere we will give our unmatched gloves to Goodwill where we will make a one handed child somewhere very happy.

Not to sound old, but back in my day, I had one pair of freezy freaky gloves.  I can still see them, smell them even. They changed color when they got cold to expose a castle and bunnies. If they still fit I would wear them to this day.  I didn't lose those.  If I did I would have had to deal with cold fingers.  And if I'm going to go down this path, I also had a snowsuit, which eliminated the chance of forgetting my snow pants at school, because if I did, I would have also left my coat.  And even as ditzy as I was at times would have never done that.

This morning despite having 4 days off of school, we were not prepared to leave the house.  I had everything laid out like usual but unless I am waiving things in front of their faces they don't see it.   When we finally got out the door we did a u-turn because Fin forgot his violin (which was sitting next to the door), and apparently U turns cause Oscar's bladder to overflow and said he had a potty emergency. Which if we were lucky would only take 4 hours.

By the time were really on the road I was heading down a packed side street where cars park on either side. Naturally a school bus decided to make a turn, not allowing me by which left us dead locked facing each other.  I was there first, and there was nowhere for me to go.  But bus #269 of the South Bend School Corporation decided to sit there.  I flashed my lights, honked my horn without any reaction from the woman who drives bus #269.  I lost all control of my body and mind and found myself outside of my car motioning to the woman to get the F out of my way.

Parker was mortified.  I didn't care. I was doing what looked like an interpretive dance to get her to move.  She didn't.  I ended up backing up all the way to another street so she could get by. And as she passed she didn't even look at me.  I tried as hard as I could, but the boys got to see their mother freak out, and when I get really angry I cry.

A stupid game of school bus chicken which I sadly lost, was enough to push me over the edge.  The rest of the car ride was silent.

I wasn't just crying because I was out of my mind pissed off. I was crying because I couldn't change or control the situation.  Looking back, I'm actually glad it was a bus, because if it had been a car the other person may have gotten out of their car and the boys would have witnessed something worse. Like their mother getting the crap beat out of her. I guess that is where a higher power was looking out for me, and probably finding this very amusing.

Do busses have dash cams? I certainly hope not. This was not a high point in my commute.  Not only did I put on quite a performance for the unamused bus driver, but also all the kids who were in the bus.  All of which, Parker is sure are all in 6th grade and he knows, and they all saw me and now he is humiliated.

Control is something I don't easily like to lose.  I don't like to drink around people I don't trust for the fear I may say something offensive unintentionally. Or hug someone too long, or tell someone I love them too much.  But if control means that I'm censoring myself, then what is wrong with letting some of that go once in awhile?  I don't know, that is why I'm asking.

What I do know, is that a control freak should not have children and expect to continue their life as a control freak.  It is not possible.  You have to resign to being a supervision freak. Where you can watch the things you want to happen,  or not happen. Or happen in a way that you do not want them to happen.

There is little I can actually control. I can't control how other people feel about me, or what happens to the people I love most. I can't control my husband or children and obviously I can't control my emotions at times.

So for the time being I have accepted the fact that I am out of control.


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