Tuesday, April 15, 2014

What really happened to the chocolate bunny

My mother-in-law likes to send the boys Easter gifts. Which translates to cheap chocolate and sugar rocks called jellybeans. Oscar bit off the eyeball of his bunny and put the rest in the refrigerator "for later". Every time I would open the door it would be staring at me, well if it wasn’t missing an eye it would be.
Today was the Monday after Spring Break. I won't get into the details but apparently everyone in the house had forgotten that Spring Break does not last forever and I was the one who had to break the bad news. To which the entire house wailed and flailed and it was all my fault.

That is when the bunny lost the tip of his ear. Just a nibble I thought. After several screaming matches I was able to get everyone into the car but before I went, I made sure to eat the tip of the other ear just to even it out.

I went to work and began to dig myself out of what appeared to be a black hole of emails. I had taken a whole 3 days off to go to a conference but my inbox looked like I was gone since 2006. I was afraid it was going to spill of the screen, spill onto the floor and wrap itself around the building. There is always that one person who discovers you have an out of office reply and decides it would be a perfect time to send you 500 messages.

Noon finally arrived and I decided to go home for lunch. As previously mentioned, I was out of town for 5 days which means the only food in the refrigerator was a cucumber, hummus and string cheese. And the bunny…. I decided to eat a healthy string cheese, cucumber and hummus sandwich minus the bread and chased it with the rest of the bunny’s ears. Oscar would never notice his ears were gone. It just looked like he had a flat top.

I returned to work to receive a text message from my husband that there would be a man staying at our house tonight. A man who is here from Virginia to observe my husband at work. Don is taking a two-year certification course and part of the program is to be observed (graded) in the middle of the year. That time had come. And in an effort to brown nose this man my husband decided to let him stay at our house. My response was not exactly joyful.

After work I received another text from Don. This time it was asking me to make a "quick" stop by the grocery store to pick up limes, sour cream, Jose Quervo mix and beer. If you are familiar with any super market you will know that each of those items are on the four opposite corners of each other. And, shopping at 5:30 when the rest of the world discovers that they don't have anything to eat for dinner either makes my shopping experience rather unpleasant. Don must have found tortillas and planned to make some time of Mexican dish.

I returned home starving because I had just walked the equivalent to 10 miles in the grocery store, In fact, I was famished… off with bunny's head…. and neck…and bow tie.

Next, Don shares with me that the gentleman visiting is old. I love old people, but I also know that margaritas and a dinner filled with spicy food and refried beans is probably not the best choice.

The man arrives and he is a nice houseguest, although I know nothing about him, other than the fact that the fate of my husband's certification is in his hands.

We are trying really hard to be good relaxed parents so that it is clear that we live Montessori, not only in the classroom, but at home too. (Not true). The boys are not in on this plan and are making us work for it. Thankfully, over break the two older boys have been taking care of the neighbors dog across the street. This gives me an out. I went over to make sure the boys have locked the neighbors doors properly and I discovered that they were already home. Our neighbor greeted me and thanked Parker for taking care of his dog. I felt the pride swell in my heart. My boys were responsible, reliable and trustworthy. I was looking forward to bragging about this to our dinner guest. But before I could, our neighbor also mentioned that Parker T.P.ed his daughter’s bedroom.

I tried not to look horrified. At that moment Parker disappeared. I was trying desperatly not to chase him, grab him by his arm and take him back to apologize. When I walked in the door, Parker had strategically placed himself between our houseguest and Don, knowing that this spot was amnesty from discipline. I needed to pull Parker out of the room without making it too obvious that we have little or no control of our children.  I craved a little bunny shoulder. Off went half of the bunny's body.

When Parker finally got up I cornered him and asked him about the T.P.-ing. He defended himself by saying he used the cheap toilet paper in the back of the closet and as much as this comforted me, I insisted that he march back over to the house and apologize immediately. This began a dialogue through our teeth and ended up with Parker dawdling back over the house to apologize to our neighbors.

He wanted me to go with him, but I told him he had to go alone, mainly because I couldn't face them myself out of complete embarrassment.

I peeked out the window as he agonizingly waited for them to answer door. He kept looking back at me. I could tell he wanted to Ding Dong & Ditch but he stayed planted. I watched as he apologized for violating their daughter’s room with toilet paper. It was tortuous to witness.

This is when the rest of the bunny was sacrificed in the name of stress. I couldn't watch this awkward situation where my son is apologizing to his friend’s parents. A friend who he may or may not secretly like. Understandably, I needed some kind of chocolate comfort.

Before I knew what I was doing, the bunny was gone. I wasn’t too worried because there are several things Oscar puts in the fridge “for later” and never thinks of again.

If I admit that I think his prank to TP a tween girl's room is brilliant, does that make me a bad mother? I will keep this knowledge sealed until he is at least 20. For now I need to conceal my admiration for his prank. I did tell him that he is never EVER to be in a girl's room when she isn't there. As soon as it came out of my mouth I realized that this was the only situation where that statement is applicable. But I hoped he wasn't really listening to me.

Parker seemed somewhat relieved and told me I had chocolate on my face. I wiped off any evidence and returned to the table to discuss with Don and his Guru, how eating organic food can really help a child reach his full potential. I really believe this by the way, just not right at this second.

At that very moment Oscar opened the refrigerator door asking where his chocolate bunny was. The more I ignored him the louder he got.  I listened as he accuses every one of his brothers.  Parker looked at me with one eyebrow raised. After forcing Parker to fess up, I suppose it was my turn to do the same.

I knelt down to Oscar's level and calmly explained to him that I ate his chocolate bunny, I figured he would understand and I could distract him with the promise of a story later. And like a typical four year old he fell to the ground and had an enormous tantrum. I could feel Don's angst and complete disbelief that I would actually eat our child's entire chocolate bunny in a day, specifically on a day that means so much to him.

As I scooped Oscar up I could hear our dinner guest tell Don that we have a beautiful family. Maybe it was the margarita or the fact that he is hard of hearing, but for whatever reason he was amused.

I hope that when he is reviewing Don's progress he will take into account our tumultuous backstory.

That our house if filled with sugar, chaos, toilet paper, mischief and most importantly honesty. And to some people that is beautiful.

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