Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I'm not dead!

In 2007 we purchased our minivan and it was at that point I decided that my ability to be attractive to anyone other than a toddler was over.   Despite millions and millions of minivans being on the road they are invisible.  Except to me. I notice them because I have newer minivan envy. Well actually, more like non-dented minivan envy.  Too many trash bins have jumped out if front of me and it has resulted in several dings.
A few months ago I met an old flame for lunch. He is very very aware that I am in a committed relationship  marriage and have a google of kids.  Yet when it was time to walk to our cars I was resistant to saddle up in my carriage.  It is such a cock block to feeling even remotely vital.  Just a hope that I haven't turned in my desirable card just yet.  Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to pick up anybody,  the last thing I need to check off on my to do list is " have affair" but it would still be nice to know that I am attractive to the opposite sex. Or the same sex,  it doesn't matter, as long as it gives me a temporary reminder that I am not dead or turned into Angela Lansbury overnight.
I have always enjoyed fashion, so I enjoy putting outfits together, even if most of them involve black pants.   I know that when Don reads this he will be upset because he thinks he tells me that I look good, but the truth is, he expects me to hear his thoughts.   When I ask him if he likes a dress I am wearing he will say " yes, I told you that." Um no, he didn't but at least he thought it.   But by that time I don't believe him and I have already changed four times.
Lately I have had some odd exchanges with men and I make it a point to tell Don about it.  The other day I was at the grocery store with a cart full of boys and a side of groceries and a man asked if I would like to go ahead of him.  Which really made no sense to me and apparently my facial expression was along the lines of "WTF?" He explained to me that I looked like I was in a rush. ( well, duh) Except his line wasn't any faster. Anyway, the great exchange continued. He told me that I shouldn't have to buy flowers for myself. He also shared that he can make the best iced coffee ( I was drinking one at the time).  He even walked us to the parking lot.   The boys didn't seem to notice or care that I was in a middle-age scenario of a bad night at the Roxy.  What did he expect me to do? Invite him over between Team Umi-Zoomi and Henry Higglmonster?   His name was Rod and he wore paisley boxers.  I know this because he had his name on his shirt and had a huge rip in his jeans.   I wouldn't have been interested in this guy even if I was single and very desperate, but it didn't stop me from texting Don along with a  very far away picture of the guy telling Don that this guy was hitting on me.  His response? "Perfect! You have always liked ripped jeans" 
No, that was not the reaction I was hoping for.  Once in the car the boys asked if that guy was going to make me coffee.  Apparently they were listening. However, even they didn't sense the oddness of this entire situation.  Sure boys, lets go get iced coffee from Mr. Dateline Craiglist momnapper 
Another incident happened when I was at a bounce house.  Oscar was wearing a " Number 1 Fan of Mommy" shirt.  when we got to the entrance to the bouncy house the guy, who might have been 19 if he was lucky,  leaned down to Oscar and looked at me and said " I think I'm a fan of mommy too".  Super creepy and gross, but it was more ammunition to fire at Don via text.  "A teenager just told me he is a fan of….me."  Don's response, " Are you wearing the Red Sox shirt I sent you?" 
I am screaming at the top of my lungs (over text message) I AM STILL SEXY SEE????  Yet,  he is not biting. 
I think there seems to be a communication break down between people who have been married for at least 10 years.  The majority of my friends and I have talked and the bottom line is,  we want our husbands to still find us attractive. That is it.  Yet I would say the same half of my friends feel the opposite. That our husbands just don't. 
Maybe Don views my desperate attempts to prove that I am not dead in the sexy department more like Lucy trying to convince Ricky that she is French Mademoiselle after she discovered a new wig shop.  He goes along and does not encourage my behavior. 
I love men. I can find something attractive about most (except ripped jeans) but I still hold my man at the very top of my esteem.  The fact that I shop for most of his clothes may be a big part of it. But even if he still wore the hideous shirt he picked out that looks like a man in coffee hour after the 8 a.m. church service, I would still find him sexy.
I used to ask him all the time when he was a bartender in LA if any women ever hit on him. His answer was always no. He credited his loyal following to his ability to make a great Cosmo. Now I don't even ask, he still has loyal following, granted they are 8 year olds and because he has the final say on who gets to feed the classroom pet. 
Despite what every talk show would tell you. Women like knowing their husband or "man" is attractive to the opposite sex. It gives us reassurance that we caught a good one, and he only wants for us.  What Don knew even back then was that if he mentioned anyone hitting on him I would always turn it around to be his fault.  So either, he is completely oblivious and not a single woman has flirted with him in the 14 years we have known each other, or he spares me the details. 
The fact that he makes that much of an effort to preserve my feelings lets me know that driving a minivan didn't kill my attractiveness. That he is affectionate even after seeing me at my worst, (trust me, it was NOT pretty) should be enough to make me feel desirable. 
When I text him about the men..(some may be 95 years old and blind) that pay me a compliment,  it just feeds his ego, more than mine and I must find comfort in knowing that he trusts me implicitly.
That is nice, but next time I go out of my way to wear his favorite dress it would be nice to hear it with my ears rather than telepathically. At least I know I will have another 70 years with him to make that point clear but hopefully at time, I really won't be dead..