Friday, March 15, 2013

Damn I'm good

A friend of mine messaged me that she was upset about how she ate too much ice cream last night and that she feels horrible about it.  The messaging continued and I realized that it wasn't about how much ate, but  more about her frustration.  She wasn't seeing her body changing despite her diligence with the gym and clean (most of the time) eating.  I then responded with, maybe you are perfect as you are and you don't need to change.
Just call me Dr. Phil. I have one line motivating zingers all the time. Sometimes they even surprise me.  I am the go to girl with a lot of my friends when they need to be reminded , in a funny, yet strait forward way to snap out of it.
I was speaking with *Jane ( names have been changed for their privacy) ;)  she is having some issues in the guy department.  Now, I haven't actually dated in over 13 years, but I reminded her that some guys are looking for more than one night stands and the right one will love her for all the reasons I do. She just needs to let her guard down for two seconds and let him see what I see. .... well mostly, some of her thoughts are better off said between us. (Trust me).
Of course I use this with the boys too. Lately I have been trying to explain that other people's opinions don't matter. Just because someone says something about you does not make it the truth. Followed by my favorite phrase,  " If someone called you an airplane, does that mean you could fly?"
I am really really good at picking people up or just celebrating when they are already up. Like a friend of mine inviting me to lunch so I could be one of the first ones she told she was pregnant. I was so very excited for her.  But with this high, also came an extreme low when a few weeks later she miscarried. Despite my moments of saying the perfect thing, there just isn't anything I could say in this case, I just listened.
As I have gotten older, I have tried to find the good in people, despite it being hard at times.  It is so  easy to find things in other people that you don't like. There is something beautiful in just about everyone but you have to pay attention. In some people, beauty can be as hard as finding Waldo. But it's there, somewhere. For example.  I have the privilege in seeing an ex-boyfriend  of mine on facebook recycle and renew girlfriends that all look similar to me.  And when I say similar, I mean to my 19 year old self, and they seem to remain that age too.  The beauty in him is that he is consistent.  The beauty in the situation, is that I didn't end up with him.
Sometimes people are so ugly, on the inside that it oozes to the outside and I have to decide to not associate with them, unless I have to...lets say, to earn a pay check.
I will toot my own horn and say that once I become friends with someone, I will try to make them feel better, not worse about themselves. The problem arises when I don't have anyone to turn to when I need it.
Not at the fault of any of my friends, who would be there for me in a heartbeat. But completely at the fault of my own.  I don't like to share things that are not positive.
I am the anti-cheerleader in my head.
Most of the time the reason I give good advice is because it is the opposite of what I tell myself.  My friend who over ate and I told she didn't need to change? I tell myself that its pointless and that despite how hard I work, I will never look the way I want to.   My friend who is dating and puts an invisible fence around herself? I'm married and still do that for fear that if Don sees all of my crazy at once, rather in small doses, he may not love me as much.
The ex-boyfriend? The pictures I see of him with his girlfriend de jour remind me of what a a horrible choice I made and how I wasted valubale time with him, and even more crying about it.
My friend who had a miscarriage and I didn't say anything. Well, that is because I wouldn't dare verbalize what I told myself when I had them for fear she would run and jump off a bridge. I tell my boys that other people's  opinions don't matter and it is how you feel about yourself  that really does. And although I believe that when it refers to them, it somehow becomes null and void in reference to me.
Will I ever be as good to myself as I am to others?
I'm trying. I need to believe that a friendship is give and take, and my friends are probably wondering why I only share happy things. It is certainly not because I don't have struggles, they are just going on in my head. 
Until then all I can do is celebrate the good things that happen with my friends and try and remember that good things that happen for me are no accident, but just a reflection of the good intentions I give to each of them. All the love that I have I give to my friends and family, but maybe in the future I can spare a little to keep to myself. 

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