Thursday, June 14, 2012

72 hours for a 5 minute conversation

I have been attempting to have a conversation with my best friend for 72 hours.  It is not even what I would call a gripping  or even relevant conversation, its just a chat that prior to having kids I could have had done and over with in 20 minutes.   I am off of work for the summer. (Amen)  I have an outgoing message that reads:
            I will be out for June and July. I will return on August 1. I will not be checking my email.  
I have received not 1 or 2 but 10 emails from my boss asking questions that he needs answers to immediately.  Surely there must be a glitch in my out of office reply so I tested it. Within a second I have my strait forward message in my inbox. He is ignoring my side of the conversation, which in all honestly is how most of our interactions go anyway.
I have been off for almost 2 weeks and it has been anything but relaxing.  It feels like Saturday every day and that is not good for my psyche. I want to sleep in, I don't want to work out and I don't want to cook. I want to graze all day, stay up late and drink a bottle of wine.  It only took about 3 days to discover that wasn't going to work.
Back in January I thought it would be a good idea to schedule everyone's doctor appointments for June.  I would like to slap myself for that.  I have been to the doctor 4 times, had one child have a surgery, dental appointments and my dog is going to get neutered.   I tried to explain it to the boys.
"They cut his penis off?"
"No, but he won't be able to have puppies."
 "But he will still be able to pee right?"
"Yes! They don't cut his penis off they remove his balls."
"He is asleep, won't be in pain but he will need to relax for a couple days."
I discovered the one way to silence my 2 older boys is to talk about castration.   Later that day Fin asked me if Wally's balls were gone would he still be able to love?  Ahh, the age old question, similar to, if a tree falls in the woods.... I guess guys really do think (and love) with their penises.
Between baseball games, karate and other non-interesting things I tried to give my friend a call because she has a new love interest.  Do you know how exciting that is for me? I live vicariously through anyone who dates. It has been so long since I was in that world and it fascinates me.  So as you can imagine I want to know details.
I always call her in-route to another event. I know I shouldn't talk and drive, but I am careful and its better than texting.  By the time I get to the good part, either someone in the back has hit someone or something has been thrown out the window.  I sometimes think they run out of things to argue about so all I hear is "NO!" "YES!""NOOOOO!" "YES!""NOOOOOOO!" "YES!" back and forth until I am forced to end the 30 second conversation. Talking and driving is not going to kill me, its driving with kids that will.
On the way back from the pool the other day I was so tired of the constant back and forth nonsense that I pulled over and screamed at them.  SCREAMED.  I had reached my boiling point.  As much as I scream on the inside, I very rarely, if ever, let it actually become audible.  I was hot, tired, hungry and just sick of it. I just howled " STOP IT!" The looks on their faces were as if I had somehow morphed into my husband. It freaked them out and I saw my 7 year olds bottom lip start to quiver. Usually this would make me feel bad, but in this case it made me feel victorious.  That was, until I realized that I had pulled over into someones yard who also happened to be doing some planting and was now watching me.   She must have sensed the primal tone in my cry because she didn't look at me with disgust, but a more empathic look.  She knew I was exerting my alpha status in my pack and respected that.
 Rather than talk, I turned up the radio and pulled away, even if they did say something I couldn't hear it.  When I did turn the radio down because of a commercial, I heard a sheepish "mommy" and I turned it right back up. I was closed for business.
That was obviously not the time to pick up on the conversation with my friend.  I really wanted to know more about this guys abs. I know, it sounds so petty, especially when I have four mouthes to feed and no clue what to feed them, but at this given moment that is all I cared about.
When we got home the three older ones each apologized to me as that got out of the car, and then I was overcome with tremendous guilt and the realization that I have probably caused permeant ear damage , not to mention longterm psychological distress and I suck as a mom. Ok, guilt pizza and ice cream sundaes for dinner tonight
In entering the house all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and stare at Bubble Guppies, Oscar's favorite show and coincidently mine too.  And THAT is a perfect example that contact with the outside world is so crucial to my existence.
The next day, she was able to reach me and I got the next 3 minutes of the story before I had to watch my son, who was up to bat at baseball.  The one thing I won't be is the parent who talks on their phone during games.  That is just rude to everyone who has to listen and I wouldn't be able to concentrate, so that deletes 2.5 hours of talk time.
On the way home I called her and  learned of what he wrote to her in his recent text.
Flirting is an ancient language form that seems to have died in my world. It might as well be in Latin.  I just don't remember what it was like and by God I want to KNOW what he texted her at 11 p.m on a school night! And further more, back when I was flirting, texting wasn't even invented yet.
But after several failed attempts that have spanned over 72 hours I have just given up.  I know it was a stretch for me to think that an actual conversation was even possible. Its not like the good old days when I was at work and had hours of time to talk. Now I'm deep in the trenches and not sure if I will ever be coming out alive.
For all I know, she could move on to get married and start their saga together and I will still be stuck on the pilot episode, watching late at night and pausing my dvr every minute because someone needs a drink, needs a hug, needs to poop or my favorite," I need to tell you something REALLY rabbit, today, um, she, um.. I forgot"
Like a vampire needs blood, I need girl time.  My mind craves conversations about stupid reality tv and deep conversations about what guys really mean when they say, " I owe you one".  
Not that all girl time is filled with unimportant jargon, but sometimes that is the only language that I seem to understand.
My girlfriend sensed my battle cry and she is doing what only a good friend would do.  Knowing my husband will be out of town this weekend and she is going to take a 10 hour road trip to visit.  That way, even if our conversation takes a little longer and we veer off topic 40 times, I will be able to finish this damn conversation.  I may even get to hear what she texted back.

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