Saturday, June 18, 2011

my iMovie

Don went over to a friends house tonight and I am alone this Saturday evening. I say this with no animosity whatsoever. I enjoy these quiet nights alone when I have my birds all in my nest and a glass of wine by my side. Tonight I was particularly restless. I had tried to rent a movie from Red box, but have found that they never have the one I want, and it also seems to be a place where people want to converse about movies, ever since Blockbuster closed. I don't and I don't want to help you select one either, cat woman, (she had cat hair all over her black sweatshirt, with two faded white cats on the front). Finally after selecting and reading the synopsis for each one,  she chose something and moved on. Its a dollar lady, if you pick a bad one its not going to break the bank.  I had Finegan with me and he was "patiently" waiting in the van. I finally was at the screen when I felt someone stab my back. It scared me for a brief second until I turned around. No I wasn't being held up, it was Fin showing me that he really could be a ninja.  On the ride from his baseball game he had decided that he was going to be a ninja when he grew up, he scared the crap out of me, maybe he really could be one. Do they even have ninjas anymore?  I think he is a little too stocky and a bit too chatty for that profession, but I will let a boy dream.  I decided that I couldn't waste an hour and a half on one more romantic comedy with Jennifer Anniston and went home.   It was a long, but good day and the boys were exhausted. They all went to bed without a fight, or at least a fight worth mentioning, and Don left. I was alone on the couch in a quiet house with a glass of merlot.  I swear my house looks different when there isn't a boy running through it, its actually kind of nice. It also sounds different. I hear things that are otherwise muffled by the boys dsi's or Jack's latest pirate song. Its almost as if the house finally takes a deep breath.  After changing the channel 400 times and deciding that I didn't want to watch Renovation Realities or a scripted reality show (again), I ventured into cyber space where I have a network of friends I may or may not recognize in the grocery store, heck the lady in line at Red Box could be the lady who likes all my statuses for all I know. I have been working really hard to not watch or listen to the news. I made this decision, well ok, I didn't make it, it was suggested to me by a therapist that I stop watching the news because it only stirs the pot of my worry and although Don has suggested this, this man is a professional and I will try it out.  The news never does follow up. In the past week, our local news has reported on child abduction attempts, children getting hit by cars , children being killed by accident or getting injured by lawn mowers or drowning. It must be their summer strategy. But 9 times out of 10 they don't tell you the story in its entirety.  The child abduction attempt was by her father or the kid who drowned in the back yard had a seizure. Its not that it makes it less tragic, but it gives me some hope that my child isn't going to drown in a puddle.  Obviously you can see I haven't done too well with not watching the news.  So rather than watch a poor lit shiny local newscaster I turned to our own home movies.   I decided to just skim through the last year.  What amazed me is that it was suspenseful.  I couldn't wait to see what happened next even though I was there.  I reluctantly watched the birth of Oscar, 14 months ago and watched him being cut out of that poor girl's stomach, (how can they stretch her skin so much?) Oh that's right it was me.  I was a bit moved when Don did a close up of my face as I held my breath until I heard his first cry.  When I saw my face it brought back the emotion clear as day.  But it was as if I was a third party looking in. I felt sorry for her because although nobody in the room could know, she was scared, and having a panic attack.  But even now watching it from an outsider's prospective there is no way to recognize that.  I was touched to see my mom's reaction when she first held him while I was in recovery. Again, I'm in the video, I had a front row seat, but it was as if I was watching it for the first time.  I watched the older boys first lay eyes on their baby brother and how they were overflowing with excitement.  In the back ground I could see a drugged, tired and worried woman, but it is hard to believe it is me.  It allowed me to go back in time and be a fly on the wall. I wonder how much of my life I'm missing by being caught up in my head and not fully present in the moment.  Its not even like I have a different perspective, because in order to have that you must have some sort of recollection of the event, which I seem to have misplaced in my subconscious.  Its no wonder that adults blame their problems on their childhood. They have snapshots in their brain of the painful things, but completely bury the simple happy times.   I feel like I'm in the movie Its a wonderful life and I'm looking through the window. And what I see is far from what I notice. I see the way the boys look at me when I'm not looking. I hear something that they say that I ignored and I see how beautiful being a mother can really look.
I get so caught up in worrying that I fail to feel what is going on, it isn't until I watch it on an iMovie that I notice the little, most important things.  And to think I spend all this time avoiding Don while he holds the camera because I feel bloated that day, or he is on my bad side. The truth is, I looked at myself, holding a baby  just one year ago and thought, wow, I really looked radiant, and young!  I see a life that I always wanted, that I have  and that I have  overlooked.   The year went by in a blink of an eye.  If I worry too much about the moments I missed since I met Don I will, once again be losing this very pleasant quiet minute that may hold something just as significant as a momentous event, but not recorded because it may not seem relevant.. at least not now.  So I'm going to take a hint from my house and take a deep breath.  Just as a type this I hear a groggy Jack coming down the stairs.  He is more than half asleep which reminds me to wake up and take a mental imovie of this, because when he is out of the house, I'm sure its what I will long for most.

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